Human cells have pieces of chromatin

Now one year later i feel anxiety & discomfort in my own body & i hate myself became very horrible as a human & my brain got damadged i cant use it properly anymore & in general i barley care for something This fear is eating me up. I feel still so helpless and alone & i feel like theres no chance of recovery & the thoughts i have these topics are just heart breaking & i hate even more to be in my body & have my mind Any advice from people who sufferd the same I feel really so unwell being alive somehow being me and living, its like i died in my episode my joy my care my love my life

This whole drama keeps getting sillier to me the more I think about it.
Like, isn't it obvious that bad festival management is really at the core of what happened?
Osees are rightfully annoyed that BCNR's performance cut into their soundcheck but it's not BCNR's fault that this time crunch had happened in the first place. BCNR are rightfully annoyed that their complex chamber pieces were interrupted by a raucous band soundchecking their drums within earshot, but again, that time crunch was ultimately outside of Osees' control and they had every right to take their own performance seriously as well. It's not a competition.
Like, aren't both bands upset at the exact same thing when you really break it down? We're talking about a bunch of seasoned professional musicians getting upset because they felt they weren't given the best opportunity to meet the high standard of performance their fans expect. Why should there be ANY beef?
I don't think either band looks good by stirring up this drama publicly when a simple conversation should have sufficed, either with each other or the festival organizers. I also don't think either fanbase looks good by shitting on the other band's music or status in the industry: Osees aren't some dumb "old guard" ruining shit for no reason and BCNR aren't just a bunch of pretentious music school kids upset they couldn't get their own way. Like, by all accounts everyone involved are lovely and incredibly talented people!
I don't know, maybe I'm part of the problem for typing a big screed about this but there's just so many avoidable bad vibes clashing at the same time. Both fanbases are in this for the love of the music and I feel like we should just take a step back and realize we have far more in common than whatever superficial silly differences are being dredged up in all of this.

...and I'm going mental. I don't have a BPD diagnosis, but I was suspected having BPD and in the end it was decided my BPD-like symptoms stem from my trauma background. Anyway, me and my ex live really close to each other (yay...). We broke up a month ago. Today I saw him walking home with a woman and they were holding hands. I immediately felt this feeling of enormous rage. I've really had a lot of trouble coping daily after we broke up on top of all my mental health issues, and I just feel like a worthless piece of shit. I feel like he really didn't care for me that much, if he already dates someone new. I really want to send him an angry text message, or start throwing eggs on his door. I want to trash his property. Logically I know I have no right being this angry about this or wanting to do those things, but using logical thinking is not helping. I just feel so abandoned again.

I'm happy to announce self_cell version 1.0. You might ask what is different in version 1.0 compared to the previous 0.10 version. The answer is nothing. A year ago I told myself that if a full year would go by without any major issues or desire to change the API, I'd release version 1.0. That year has now passed and I'm still happy with the API and no API changes were made. I've posted about this project in the past, since then I've completely overhauled the implementation and API and addressed the main raised concern of lacking documentation. The crate now features an extensive top-level documentation https://docs.rs/self_cell/latest/self_cell/ including links to examples and a detailed macro level documentation https://docs.rs/self_cell/latest/self_cell/macro.self_cell.html. I want to highlight Frank Steffahn, who's help and contributions have been instrumental, especially in finding and fixing soundness issues.

I'm pretty new to D&D, been playing since Dicember and I'm having a ton of fun. Still a noob to my core tho! My best friend roped me into playing and the other day I suggested, as a joke, to transform some of our old OCs into playable character for a future campaign. But now I've become obsessed and I want to do it for real!
Quick description: They were 2 characters, one who had earth powers and one who had water powers. The earth one was more of a physical attacker (think Toph), while the water one was a more of a ranged magical attacker (think Katara). Both were based on dragons, the water one on asian/japanese dragons and the earth one on the classic european dragon. So they were basically humanoids but with dragon bits, like tails and horns/wings. I tried looking into races but... I'm not convinced.
There is, obviously, the entire draconic race with its subraces, but it's just a full on humanoid dragon - while I had more human + dragon bits in mind. I saw the shifter race and I thought it could fit, maybe the longtooth? But I'm not sure it can be done. Someone suggested a "Yuan Ti" but from the pics it's just a naga, so not what I had in mind. Maybe we'll go with the custom race, but if anyone had a interesting suggestion I'm all ears!
For the class, I thought druid would be a nice fit. Maybe druid of the land conlave? And we pick the desert and swamp/artic terrain? Another player suggested the Warlock of the Fathomless for the water character. I'm a bit clueless for the earth one...
Any suggestion would be appreciated!

Just got the game and got the legacy pack
I completed the cosmodrome map, got to the tower, and have no idea what the hell is going on.
I mean, I know that the traveler is some kind of entity that came from somewhere and blessed the humans with light.
The fallen are mad that the traveler left them, etc etc.
But now, I don't know where should I go.
Everytime I log in the game I get a new random cinematic and I spawn in a new place, wtf?
looks like they're cinematics from the last expac but why am I getting them everytime I log in.
Also, how can I play the content (the content that is left) in chronological order?
I'm watching a youtube video that has every cinematic from the old, removed main campaign (red war). Is there a better place to look for this kind of stuff?

I'm currently in my 7th session of study at the Galactic Institute on Ashapavia 4 where I'm majoring in human anthropology. And they have these things called seasons. They happen at certain times of their planetary rotation around their sun. Each season brings with it many metaphors I don't quite understand, like "spring is in the air" or "a chill as cold as winter." It seems to be important in their literature and has even affected the physiology of the planet to the point that their bodies go through cycles. I just dont understand how a temporary change in weather can affect a species so profoundly. Does anyone have any insight on what makes a season so special? My planet doesn't have tilt, so this concept is just way to alien for me

Hi, I am a new author that wrote a great poetry book. I don't have the means to market it but I know it might help people develop confidence or aid in motivation to allow your voice to be heard. It's a large collection of the journaling that was loved so dearly that I was inspired to use it to show others my truth, in hope they can find there's. A huge piece of my soul is right here, it's vulnerable, brutally honest, but mainly relatable.
Amazon Kindle
Barnes & Noble eBook

Yes forsaken is great and i love it But the witch queen and its seasons
And the best year writing wise for destiny
1- Savathun end and the witness first appearance
2- vow of the disciple Rhulk and his amazing story and his planet His people and the two suns and how he became a disciple
3- season of the risen the unity of cabal and humanity because Of saladin sacrifice and bravery
4- season of the haunted Zavala and his wife empress caiatl and her mentor ghoul Crow and his past
5-season of plunder The conflict of Misraaks and his daughter Eido and Eramis hopes and wishes for the eliksni
6- season of the seraph The conflict of the brey family and how much of a narcissist clovis brey is and Rasputin sacrifice for humanity and how it made us realise how that we have each other AND THE TRAVELER ascending to the sky
And thats why i see that it is the best year of destiny 2 in writing and story telling It was a rollercoaster of emotions and events
I know that LIGHTFALL did havethe best start But i hope starting this season and beyond that they keep delivering the same great story telling and events as good as they were last year
Tell me your thoughts
The LIGHT PROVIDES ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️

I posted a few days ago (you can read in my post history) about feeling like I need to end things with AP. In a nutshell, his SO found some of our messages he didn't delete and while it was nothing terribly incriminating, she felt there was a flirty vibe and combined with the fact that she's not ok with him ever talking to women, she got pissed. In all that I got spooked that my SO would find out and began reconsidering things and realizing what a bad idea it all is (no judging here - this is all about myself personally). I don't want to upend mine, my kids and my SO life for selfish reasons and I financially can't go through a divorce or be a single mother. I also don't want to deal with the social fallout that would come from an affair being brought out in the open. That might beg the question of why did I start an affair in the first place but sometimes I make stupid decisions, that's all I can say about that.
After reading the replies and much consideration I decided I would tell my AP that we should take a break. He needs to patch things up with his SO and I need to have a little space to think about what I want. We set a date and said let's not talk until then, when we'll meet at our spot where we usually go. It's in a few weeks. As of right now, at that time I'm thinking I'm going to tell him I need to end it for good.
That was only 2 days ago and I already feel like crap. I'm so sad and I already miss him so much. We usually message every day and while there have been some days of less contact, knowing that it's the beginning of us not talking makes it seem worse. The fact that it was my idea (sort of had my hand forced but he would've kept on going like nothing happened) makes me mad at myself for being the one to make a mature decision. And I'm just so, so sad at the prospect of losing what AP and I have, and just having my relationship with my SO. It's not terrible, but it's mundane, passionless, routine. There's no excitement or newness and my SO just takes and takes. My AP made me feel like I was a treasure he found and my SO makes me feel like I'm a piece of furniture that he uses when needed.
All these feelings and emotions I'm forced to keep to myself because no one can know what's going on. I'm pretending I haven't been sleeping well and that's why I've been so moody but I have to just suck it up and keep a happy face while I'm drowning in my tears inside. I just want to say thank you to this sub for being here because I don't know how I would process all this without being able to send things off into the world of internet strangers.

So I have my own headcanon on how a Fire Warrior is fitted in a Battlesuit:
Basically, what make the most sense to me is that the Fire Warrior own leg is not at the center of the battlesuit "leg", but hugging the inner "thigh", with their real hooves basically put on a platform that is the battlesuit "hooves". So instead of being center and proportional to the stealthsuit (which suggest all Stealthsuit pilot are somehow incredibly tall), I envisioned the pilot to be positioned significantly lower than the battlesuit center, their legs kinda "hug" the inner outline at the crotch area and the inner thighs of the battlesuit. It make the most sense to me.
However, one piece of info currently poke a hole in my HC is that supposedly, the pilot arms is within the Stealsuit "arms". Basically there are info to believe the Stealthsuit is not really a mech, but an armor. And that doesn't really work with the pilot positioning in my hc.
To my knowledge, this arguement come from how Shadowsun is clearly positioned centered and proportionally within her own XV22, thus pilots of the XV25 must also be positioned center and proportionally. However I am not entirely sure.
So there is kinda one big question and one smaller question:
The big question is that is there any direct information to believe the XV25 is effectively an armor, not a mech? For my personal purpose, I would like to find any direct info to believe pilot of the XV25 have their hand encased within the stealthsuit "hand".
Secondly, for the minor question, since obviously Shadowsun IS positioned centered and proportionally, is there any reason to believe she is significantly taller than most Fire Warrior? Alternatively, is there any reason to believe her XV22 is significantly smaller than other XV25 Stealthsuit?

https://imgur.com/a/YqbfiTZ
Shipping is free after 50$ purchase, otherwise 4$ flatfee, prioritizing bundles
dont be afraid to shoot an offer, worst I can say is no
Open to Trades!
Feel free to ask for more pictures
Sets (NOT SPLITTING)
- One piece omnibus 5-32 (1-96): $310
- One Piece Omnibus 1-4 (1-20): $35 (G4)
- Bleach 1-21 + 49-60 (33 volumes): $140 (G2 -G5)
- Naruto 1-72 (comes with boxsets 2-3 only): $330 G3-G5
- Flowers of evil 1-4: $50 G5
- Deathnote black edition 1-6: $65 G5
- Rurouni Kenshin Vizbigs 1-4 (G3) + 8 (vol8 is G2 as seen in pic): $60
- Tokyo Ghoul 1-14: $90 (G4-G5) minor yellowing
- Noragami 1-3: $12 (G3)
- Orange 1-2: $20 (G3) spine is cracked on vol 1
- Pandora Hearts 1-3: $13 (G3) spine is cracked on vol 1 + yellowing
- D.Gray-Man 1-3 + Omnibus 22-23-24: $15 (G3 + bent cover on omnibus)
- Fire Force 20-22: $20 (G5)
Singles
FMA Omnibus 1: $5 (G3)
SAO Calibur III Bluray: $15 (G4)
Miss kobayashi's dragon maid 1: $5 (G5)
Bloom into You 1: $5 (G5)
Love of Kill 1: $5 (G4)
Fly me to the moon 5-6: $10 (G4)
No Longer Human Omnibus: $15 (G5)
Gantz Omnibus 1: $13 (G5)
Jojos Part 1 Vol 1: $10 (G3)

My cousin, is extremely invested in our relatively small religious community. She has dedicated herself, her time, and her knowledge to this community and to the religion and deeply believes in it. I too, am a part of this religion and I am thankful for the community although some things, like any religion are questionable because naturally as a human being I like to question things whereas my cousin does not. This community is the reason why I am in a developed country so I will always be grateful. Everyone in our family is not as religious and as committed as my cousin and a lot of times in our group chats or in-person, religion and the community tends to power the conversation when she speaks and it becomes redundant. Her personality is religion and this community and it becomes really boring and annoying at times especially as these discussions become a talking point of her trying to tell the rest of the family to be more involved when we’re perfectly happy with our life. I truly believe that religion is a personal relationship between you and god and no one else so these constant remarks can be cumbersome and pointless.
To give you a bit of a background about my cousin, she has dealt with a lot of trauma as a child. Her parents had an abusive relationship and her relationship with her brothers weren’t always the best (however, it is much better now than before with her siblings). She has had constant anxiety and would tremble because of it until she found religion that apparently healed her, not 100% but substantially. She is also currently in her early 30s and is the eldest of the 10 cousins on moms side. She’s also had arguments with her parents who have told her she needs to focus more on her career and other parts of her life and spend less time on religion because, she would carry out a lot of the community tasks on her own day and night. Any arguments against the religion or community, she will not accept or believe. She also has had a few breakdowns, yelling at us for accusing her of being stupid which is not true.
So the question is, while I respect her and her commitment, how do I deal with her when she tries to push religion and community engagement on me/us when I/we don’t want to. I’m happy for her and her accomplishments but she’s either too aggressive or throws in jabs and I don’t appreciate that. It’s almost as if she needs validation from her family for why she’s even doing any of this to begin with. I feel like it’s more of a mental health issue than it is religion and she’s just latching on to religion as her source of saviour and wants everyone else to be that way too. Any thoughts and suggestions?

The haunted/cursed objects exhibition which featured items that had caused gruesome deaths of their owners or anyone else that got close to them was another stunt by Professor Melvin.
​
Professor Eric Melvin was one of those professors who thought he was too good for this little community college in Shady Grove, Maryland. I took his art history class, which he never shied away from telling everyone he had no time for. I was shocked to see that his teaching slides were just blurry photos that he took of the pages from a textbook with his phone.
​
What Melvin had time for were stunts. His goals were to get the attention of the Gazettes or be trending on social media. His earlier exhibition which featured only blowup prints of a screencap of a dating app profile made the front page of the Style section, and that was all that mattered.
​
Unlike his other stunts, the haunted/cursed object exhibition involved me.I worked as a student assistant at the college’s Art Department. My jobs consisted of making photocopies, answering phones, and taking turns with other assistants to guard the gallery until 8 pm.
​
Melvin asked us assistants to help with the setting up of the haunted/cursed objects show. We all politely declined, which annoyed Melvin a bit. He stared at me with the just-you-wait look.
​
I came from a superstitious culture where there was always someone who knew someone who had fallen victim to dark magic. No one could pay me enough to touch those literally cursed things.
​
As I was watching the delivery guys carrying the objects into the gallery, I was surprised by how modern the haunted/cursed objects were. I was expecting a creepy painting or a scary doll. Instead, there was,
a plasma TV
a recliner armchair
a turquoise necklace
a miniature fire station
and even an animatronic singing fish.
​
Without additional decor, the exhibit looked more like a yard sale.The owner of the objects had a list of rules, but Melvin never bothered to look at it. He handed me a still-sealed envelope. I read the rules aloud so that Melvin, my supervisor, and other student assistants could hear them too.
​
Dear Professor Melvin.
​

Thank you for taking an interest in my collection.
All of these objects have caused numerous misfortunes and deaths in the past. It is my sincere wish to not add any more tragedy to the collection’s history. Please follow these rules carefully and may your show conclude without incident.
Rule 1: Never be in the same room with any of these objects when the lights are off.
Rule 2: Do not allow pregnant women anywhere near the haunted/cursed objects.
Rule 3: The cursed pieces of jewelry have the power to entice people to wear them. Please make sure you have a system in place where people won’t be able to touch them.
Rule 4: Do not connect any device to the TV.
Rule 5: Do not change the channel on the TV. If you or someone else did, you must change the channel back to channel 33.
Rule 6: This should not happen if the above rules were followed, but if the little light on the gate of the miniature fire station starts to blink and makes a sound, run as far away as possible and call me directly.

​
Melvin scoffed and said, if the exhibit ends without incident, where’s the fun in that? Melvin then turned to me, hoping to get a reaction. I was taken aback. What was that supposed to mean? Did he just say he wanted something bad to happen? What are you planning, Melvin?The letter continued,
​

My collection contains both cursed objects and haunted objects. Haunted objects are possessed by spirits and can cause fear, while cursed objects are deadly to anyone who interacts with them. The plasma TV is both, and is, therefore, the most dangerous. Please be extra careful around it.

I took my concern about the assistant’s safety to the dean, whose office was right next to the gallery. The dean laughed and asked me if I believe in curses and ghosts. I said that in Thailand, there was a phrase that said “Not believing is fine, but don’t disrespect just in case,” and that was my stance.
​
The dean shook her head and just told me that if I was so scared then don’t break any of the rules. For the first time working there, I felt less like a student talking to a well-meaning professor, and more like an employee whose concern was being brushed off by an apathetic employer.
​
The first night with the haunted/cursed objects inside the gallery I was guarding them with another student assistant. We behaved just like any other night as we just sat in the mailroom and watched YouTubers play Dead by Daylight. We could see what was going on in the gallery next door through the CCTV monitor.
​
At 7.30, both of us heard a very loud thud coming from the gallery. I didn’t see anything abnormal on the CCTV, so the other assistant and I both walked over to the gallery to check.We both saw a squirrel with its neck broken lying dead in front of the plasma TV. I didn’t know how it got inside. That was enough for me to creep me out and want to call it a night, even if it was a bit early.
​
Something I hadn’t thought about until then was that I had to turn off the lights, but the switches were at the far end of the gallery. I would have to walk out of the gallery in the dark, breaking rule number 1.
​
To avoid breaking the rule, I told the other student assistant to keep the door open and light the room up a bit with her phone’s flashlight. It was a good thing that we both came from a culture that believe in curses and hauntings, so I didn’t have to work too hard to convince her. I shut off all the lights and ran out.
​
The other student assistant asked me what I would do the next night when I would have to guard the gallery alone. I told her I would probably just leave the gallery’s lights on for one night.I got to the mailroom the next day at around 10.00 AM and there was a commotion.
One of the haunted/cursed objects, a turquoise necklace, was missing. I asked my supervisor bluntly if it was our fault, but one of the professors said he saw it early that morning, which meant that it wasn’t stolen overnight. Since this had nothing to do with me, I just went to class.
​
In the evening, it was time for me to guard the gallery alone and I started the night by just watching people play Dead by Daylight to pass the time. In between one of the matches, I looked over at the CCTV monitor and saw a lanky man in ragged clothing staring at the plasma TV.
​
Normally, a strange person walking into a gallery would not be a cause for concern. I mean, that was the point of having an exhibition. But, two things made me run to the gallery. One, I could see that the man had a flickering glow on his face, which meant that the TV was turned on. The TV wasn’t supposed to be plugged in and turned on until the official opening ceremony on Friday. And two, he was changing the channel.
​
The man did not notice me despite me asking him repeatedly to step away from the TV so that I could switch it off. I considered just pulling the plug, but the man looked scary. What if the moment I unplugged the TV he decided to jump me?
​
The man kept staring at the plasma TV with his mouth slightly opened, seemingly in a trance. Up close, I could see that he was unshaven and his eyes were bloodshot red. His fingers kept pushing the button that changed the channel, despite the screen only showing static.
​
I did not know what to do. The man technically wasn’t doing anything wrong since we didn’t announce the rules to the public. There wasn’t any sign that said don’t touch the TV and don’t change the channel. I can’t tell the security guard to kick him out just because of his disheveled appearance. This is a public college, so he has the right to be there as much as anyone else. I decided to go back to the mailroom to watch more YouTube videos, hoping that he would leave on his own before closing time.
​
When it was 8 pm and he was still doing the same thing. I called my supervisor to ask her about my options. She said to ask the security guards at the front of the school for help.
​
I brought two security guards back with me to the gallery. Once we arrived, we found the man seemingly strangling himself on the floor in front of the plasma TV. The TV screen showed a very old black-and-white POV shot of a person being strangled by another man who had a sadistic glee on his face.
​
One of the security guards rushed in to help the man while the other one radioed his superior to call for an ambulance. I was horrified by what I saw. The face on the screen of a smiling man started out staring downward at the person he was strangling. But after a while, he looked up right at the camera like he was looking at me.
​
As I was backing away from the chaos, an elevator next to the gallery made a sound. Someone was coming down from the fourth floor? No one should have been upstairs since this was already past 8 pm, and our building did not have any night classes.
​
Once the elevator door was opened, a cleaning lady who was inside turned around. Her eyes were gouged out and there was blood all over. She held her hands up and ran out of the elevator toward me. She tried to grab onto my shirt collar but her hands missed, and she collapsed on the ground. She was wearing the missing necklace.
​
I was so scared, I was on the floor and didn’t even remember falling. The security guards, who looked shocked and traumatized themselves, told me that I didn’t have to wait for the paramedics with them. And so, I just bolted home.
I had a hard time sleeping that night, with the image of the cleaning lady without her eyes rushing toward me burning into my brain.
​
I decided to go back to the college the next day to rip everyone a new one. The dean, my supervisor, and especially Melvin for allowing this to happen. I also just wanted to get some updates on the cleaning lady and the man.
On my way to the department building, a pregnant woman was walking right beside me. As we got closer to the entrance of the art building, I realized she was about to go through an entrance close to the gallery. Remembering the rules about pregnant women, I stopped her.
​
​
I politely asked her what was she there for. She seemed annoyed and answered that Professor Melvin asked her to meet with him for an acting job. She was going to be in his experimental films. He asked her to wait for him inside the gallery.
​
​
There was no doubt in my mind, Melvin was deliberately challenging the rules. I asked the woman to wait and called the other student assistant to ask if Melvin was in. She said Melvin never showed up to his morning class and could not be reached.
​
​
Before I hung up, the student assistant told me that the man who strangled himself died but the cleaning lady survived. The cleaning lady told the police at the hospital that she didn’t steal the necklace. Melvin paid her 50 dollars to wear the turquoise necklace for a day as part of his experimental film.
​
​
I turned to the pregnant woman she was not allowed to go into the building, and to go shop at the bookstore in a different building instead. I will tell Melvin to meet her there. She seemed angry, and in hindsight, I probably used the wrong words and should have tried a bit harder to convince her. But, I was about to storm the office and didn’t have time to tell her about the haunted/cursed objects and the exhibition’s rules.
​
​
I saw that my supervisor was also at the dean’s office. Before I could yell at both of them, the dean sheepishly turned her computer monitor for me to see. It showed Melvin installing something behind the TV and also plugging the TV in. The dean said that it was something that would allow Melvin to turn the TV on or off remotely.
​
​
I was livid! Did Melvin plan this? I reminded everyone about the rules, then angrily told the dean about the pregnant woman I had just met and how Melvin was trying to break another rule by using her. Both the dean and my supervisor were speechless. I wanted to find Melvin right now, seriously considering slapping him.
​
​
But nobody knew where Melvin was. People had been trying to contact him since last night. Then, Melvin’s wife called the dean.Professor Melvin was found dead on the stairs last night. He fell and broke his neck. She said his body was contorted in an unnatural way, with his legs twisted and wrapped around the stairs’ railings. He died with his eyes wide open, filled with fear, glaring intensely at the front door.
​
​
The dean and my supervisor were both stunned. They turned to me, trying to see if I was going to join them in being shocked. No, I was still angry, and partly at them, for allowing this to happen. The dean then avoided any more eye contact with me. I think that by that point she was a believer.
​
Suddenly the pregnant woman from earlier appeared behind me. She had her hands on her hip and her face was full of defiance. She quickly turned to sneer at me before approaching the dean. She said that I dared told her that she was not allowed to enter the building, confident that this would get me in trouble.
​
She went on a rant about how she paid taxes and that she had the right to be in any place that was public’. She then asked where is Professor Melvin and that she was ready for the job he promised.
​
The dean, my supervisor, and I just looked at her, stunned. Her confidence started to slowly fade from the woman’s face as she was wondering what was going on. Suddenly, a little beeping sound broke the silence. It was coming from the gallery. The little lights on the front of the miniature fire station started to blink.
​

Sorry in advance for the length of this post. I just have to get it out.
Seven years ago I made a mistake. A huge, ginormous, gigantic, colossal mistake. At the time I was 26 (F) and my boss was 39 (M). I had been working at this small business for four years when all of a sudden he started "noticing" me. He started coming around more, being really nice, and paying me so much attention I didn't know what to think. I remember telling my coworker "boss is paying attention to me lately, I don't know what it means?" It was weird because he was married, four kids, and for the longest time didn't have much to do with the business. I was so stupid. I started an affair with him. He gave me so much money, so many gifts, so much attention; it was a whirlwind. I admit at the time I didn't see how wrong it was, I was almost blinded by the attention. Six months after our affair started we were found out. He didn't have a passcode on his phone and his wife read our entire six months of text history.
When we were found out, my world ended. That sounds pathetic, I know, because her world was the one that really ended because of this all. But I lost my job, my house, my reputation, my everything. I went into hiding for a year. He supported me financially for a couple months, because he felt guilty I lost my job. I did find another job and things were looking up. Then, a year later, he told me he officially left his wife and he was going to be with me. What choice did I have? I had to be with him, because I was the reason his marriage ended. I ruined everything for him, his wife, and his kids, so obviously I had to be with him. And thus began hell.
I guess things were good for us for a little while. It was maybe six months before he got abusive. It was mostly verbal and emotional at first, with some questionable sexual stuff (not allowing me to have boundaries, me not being allowed to say no, that kind of stuff). It wasn't ideal, but again, I ruined his life so what choice did I have but to stay? A year and a half after we got together my crush from high school became single on facebook. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I remember saying to my best friend "why would I stay in this awful relationship when crush is single for the first time in over ten years?" So I left him. I didn't handle it the right way though, because I almost immediately sought crush out and turns out he had always had a crush on me too. So we started dating. It was great, actually, he was awesome. But I hadn't processed anything with ex, so when I found out a few months later he was dating a girl I knew (who btw, looks like me and has a lot of similar interests...we always bonded over facebook about our similarities) toxic me kicked in and I left crush and told ex I wanted to get back together with him. He didn't leave new girl right away like I thought and once again I was the piece of shit other woman.
He did leave her after a few weeks and we got back together officially. I can't even describe how bad it was. It was so, so, so bad. Now it was verbal, emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. But now I had twice ruined his life and taken him from "good women" so again, what choice did I have but to stay. This was four years ago. These four years have been the worst years of my life, and all I want is to not be with him, but he won't allow it. He says I am stuck now forever because of what I did. I ruined his family, I ruined his life, I ruined it all, so now I'm stuck. He says he will kill my family or friends if I leave. He won't kill me he says, because he wants me to live with the pain and suffer forever for ruining his life. I've tried to leave before and he just stalks and harasses me and threatens me until I come back.
I'm so completely stuck. I have a full time job, he doesn't work, I have so much debt from loans and things I've taken out for him. I kind of lucked into my job and make really decent money for not having a bachelors degree. I'm currently in school almost done with my associates, and when I get my bachelors in a couple years I intend to look for other work making comparable wages or more so I can get out. I don't live with him, I live with a parent, because I've worked really really really hard to keep some sort of out. I say I live with a parent, but he makes me stay at his house every night, so I guess I just rent a room from my parent so my cat has a place to stay.
I don't know what I'm looking for posting this. I'm just stuck, I hate my life, and there's just no way out right now. I know I was a disgusting human for what I did. I ruined a family, I ruined people's lives. I guess this is probably just my karma for being a homewrecker. I know I am evil, I know I'm awful. You don't have to comment that I'm a piece of shit, but you can because I know it's true. I don't know, I just wish I could go back in time and not be a disgusting person and not get myself into this situation.

First Previous Next Ko-fi
*The Solstice army was formed by Asumpta, it is her pride and joy and I look forward to fucking her upon a field of her dead comrades. *
The late Prince Lewis.
They found themselves in a wide room with a singular chair in its midst, the chair occupied the center of the room and behind it stood the Solstice army of women. Three hundred captains representing three hundred regiments stood behind the chair. And Asumpta, leader of the Solstice occupied the chair which was in fact a throne.
Before her stood Honey Badger, Tweek, Juice and Astro Boy.
Honey Badger had changed of his Lethal strapper and wore a blue robe made of linen, smooth to the touch and soft to the feel. Juice had been given a similar robe that was conjoined of two robes in order to cover his bulk. Tweek still wore his blue shirt complete with the yellow tie with red polka dots and black pants. Astro Boy stood in his green Adjunct to be robes. Together they stood in silence and faced the woman on the throne, their eyes occasionally darted to the women behind the throne whose silence spoke volumes of the prestige such a gathering held.
"Tevorah." Asumpta started. "By your help we have brought down a tyrant who'd sought to enslave us all beneath a heel of tyranny. It is due to this fine gesture on your part that we have called the council of the Solstice to a meeting so we may know of what reward you desire in turn for your good efforts to purge us free of Prince Lewis and his band of buffoons."
"We desire only your heart." Honey Badger said while taking a step forward and out of line. "I desire your heart." He corrected.
Asumpta suppressed a smile and there were a few giggles from the women behind her. "My heart belongs to the Solstice, it is sworn to it for all eternity. I am a woman of war."
Honey Badger nodded. "Okay then, on second thought, we desire the Solstice army."
An eruption of muttering filled the chamber. Asumpta shook her head from side to side. "You have given us our home world back to us, liberated it free of the enemy but asking for the army to be your own simply cannot be, we are vowed to serve the needs of Zagarath."
Honey Badger nodded once more. "Listen, women of the Solstice. We are at war with more than just a singular Prince. Us Tevorah are doomed to be the hunted, to forever flee for our lives and cower in hiding for fear of our throats getting slit." He raised a hand, palm up. "We wish to be free of this, to hunt down the suitors instead of them making sport of us. We wish to liberate ourselves just as you have been liberated. We seek freedom." Honey turned and regarded his friends, Tweek was shocked at his eloquence. Honey turned back to Asumpta and her army. "We also require milk–"
Tweek stepped forward. "Okay that's enough." He interrupted Honey. "What my companion is trying to say is, we are at war without an army."
Juice stepped forward. "And what we require is an army to attack the suitors."
Astro Boy spoke from where he stood. "That is all we may require of you."
A silence engulfed the chamber they were in. Lyan stepped forward, free of the captains behind the throne, she leaned down and whispered into Asumpta's ear. Asumpta perked up at the words whispered by Lyan. She raised a hand and Lyan retreated to her position behind the throne.
"Tevorah." Asumpta started. "We do not have an army to give you that can fight all your battles but we can spare our army for one battle. There is a woman among our ranks who thirsts for war, she is currently in a holding cell under strict orders from me to be contained so she wouldn't charge Prince Lewis's army by herself. We shall offer her to you, to accompany you on your missions and with her will be a beacon, one that will signal us for one battle and one battle alone, we shall come to the beacon's call and fight for you Tevorah as you have done for us."
"That is an acceptable gift." Juice said. "One battle owed is a fair deal."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
They sat in various poses within the warship, awaiting the delivery of the mystery woman who was to accompany them on their missions.
"What if she has teeth like a crocodile?" Honey Badger asked.
"Nobody has teeth like a crocodile, you'd require a snout like a crocodile in order to have teeth like a crocodile." Tweek said from his position on the chair flanking the pilot's seat where Honey sat.
"There's a procedure you can do to have crocodile teeth." Astro Boy said from his position on the seat behind the captain's chair.
"Why would anyone want to do that?" Tweek asked.
"It's the surest way you can have sex with a crocodile." Juice said from where he stood, all heads turned to him, he peered around, puzzled. "It's not rocket science guys, if you want to approach a crocodile to have coitus with it you should at least resemble it."
"I second that!" Honey Badger said while raising a cup holding some mead that the women had delivered to their ship in bulk as a parting gift.
A short silence ensued that was punctuated by Tweek. "Say, why did the women usher us so fast into our ship?"
"They want us gone from their lands." Honey answered.
"Why?" Tweek asked. "You just won them a war that's been going on for over two decades, they should at least have let us stay for a while."
"We are Tevorah." Juice said.
"And what's so bad about that?" Tweek wondered.
"It means the suitors are coming after us, what's the point of winning one war just to fight nine more." Astro Boy said to which Tweek nodded though he wondered as to the meaning of Astro Boy's 'us'.
Suddenly the Droid floated into the cockpit. "Three women at the ship's entrance." It intoned.
The four of them stood up and moved with an almost childlike eagerness to the side of the ship's entrance where a ramp ejected itself from the ship's hull to come to a stand beneath the ship where three women stood.
Two towering women had a small lithe woman in their midst, the woman had chains akin to the ones they'd been put in and the two women flanking her spoke to her and brushed at her amber mess of a tangled mane upon her head.
"Everything is going to be very bloody Zahara." The woman on the left said.
"There will be a lot of blood and gore." The woman on the right added.
"You'll love it." They said in unison.
Zahara mumbled something incoherent and the two women nodded. "Yes, there will also be decapitations a lot of beheading." They led her up the ramp and Tweek noticed the muzzle wired around her mouth with a keypad dangling over the left ear.
As soon as the two women delivered the woman they retreated hastily down the ramp and one screamed from afar. "The code to her locks is three double four."
"What?"Tweek asked as he stared at the small woman before them.
The woman immediately tilted her arms outwards and bent them inwards, through the chains her fingers reached the keypad holding the chains around her. She put in the code and the chains dangled free of her. She moved like the wind, turning on the first person close to her. Tweek received a knee to the groin, he doubled over, mouth heaving a pained breath. In an instant she was among them, mumbling incoherently through her muzzle. She pounced on Astro Boy with an upward jab, the Adjunct to be backtracked a step and the jab missed. She dove forward with her shoulder and connected to his chest. Both of them tumbled to the ground, Zahara reached for the keypad of the muzzle, she input a code while her legs were spread over a pinned Astro Boy, the muzzle came free and she brandished dagger sharp teeth that seemed to have been sharpened.
"She's a crocodile." Astro Boy said and screamed.
She lunged forward with her teeth, aiming for Astro Boy's neck but a hand around her neck stilled her attack.
"If you continue on your current path, I will snap your neck." Juice said, leaning over her with a hand to her neck. "Now nod if you understand me." She nodded. "Are you the one promised us?" A nod. "Do you have the beacon?" She dug into her pocket and raised a circular object that blinked with a blue light. "Good." Juice eased his grip on her neck. "You're Zahara I presume." Nod. "I am Juice. Here beside me is Honey Badger, the man you're currently on top of is Astro Boy and the one you kneed to the balls is Tweek." Tweek groaned from his position on the floor. "I'm going to let you go now, if you promise to act civilized." A nod.
Juice let go of Zahara. She turned her neck around to regard the men all around her. "I was promised a war." She said, her shrill voice carrying through the ship.
"Stick with us lass, and more than one war will find you." Honey Badger said. "Love your teeth by the way."
"I didn't curve them so they could be loved." Zahara said while getting off of Astro Boy. She wore tight leather pants and a Lethal hauberk of a rusty grey color. "I sharpened them so I can bite down and rip necks free of the spine."
"Im going to love having her around." Honey Badger said.

so 2 weeks into this withdrawal I decided I had to try to do something because it was too intense so I purchased the lowest thc weed I could find and I sucked it into my mouth through a one-hitter and just held it in my mouth to let some thc absorb (no inhaling). I did this a couple times at once. At first it felt like it didnt do much but then I tried it again later that night and I had a major decrease in anxiety and felt more stabilized. I wasn't even high. I thought I hacked my withdrawal. It lasted until mid-day the next day when I started to feel the anxiety come back.
I tried it again and ended up having an increase in anxiety for a few hours even though I wasn't high. I thought I sucked too many puffs into my mouth (3) so later that day tried a lesser amount and did not get the decrease in anxiety only an increase in the ringing in my ears so I ditched that idea and just decided to run through the fire cold turkey.
Now 2 months in last night I was around people who were smoking a joint of some mid-grade (open air, outside). I didn't think I would be at risk of getting a contact high but about 15 minutes later after I left I felt like maybe I got some of the THC in my system. I wasn't high I just felt different. At first this caused a little anxiety because I was thinking that's not good since I'm already 2 months in. Then shortly after I noticed again a big decrease in anxiety all the way until now the next day (morning) I still feel the decrease in anxiety. Could be unrelated but not sure.
It just makes me wonder more about the idea of micro-dosing out of the withdrawal and then tapering off. I think its possible but the problem is its very hard to every time get the exact dose of THC you would need to not get high but at the same time relieve any withdrawal symptoms without increasing the symptoms. You would need an exact dose in pill form or something like that and start with very low dosages. I suppose doing it with some type of edible gummy could work too if you cut it into tiny pieces but you would still be at risk of taking too much.
Was just wondering if anyone has contemplated this or had any ideas on this subject. I am in no way recommending this to anyone was just curious what others would say. We'll see how I feel today as the day goes on.

We know other species have cognition, sentience, and sapience. There is even a parrot with the cognitive ability akin to a five year-old human. Yet, no species has come close to developing a society remotely as complex, networked, or technologically advanced as that of humans. What is special about our species that resulted in such a disparity?

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Hello again!
Actually my head hurts and my back hurts too. Maybe even my heart. I wrote this essay for 2 days straight. It is of better quality than my previous pieces, both in content and style. It's also the longest so I felt an obligation to deliver it as interesting as possible. Extensive essays are pretty tendious, I'm aware but I think I created an insightful and stimulating analysis for a character that doesn't get the attention he deserves. This is not just a hollow phrase, as I claim this essay uncovers unheard of depths of Gorou Amamiya respectively Aqua Hoshino.
​
​
Preamble
In the past we discussed Ruby's genius during her Audition with Frill and Akane. To sum it up: She's acting her whole life as the innocent and pure idol girl Ruby Hoshino but what fuels the encryption of her true self is her traumatized core identity as Sarina which she hides through acting.
Since this identity was passed down to her new life, her trauma was likewise passed down as well and as a result it predispositions her new life's psyche. After the loss of Ai and Gorou she yet again finds herself trapped in a repetitive cycle of her previous trauma of parental abandonment. That's why in her deep reflection during the audition she would overlap Sarina's and Ruby's psychograms seamlessly. It's the same all over again.
We discussed yesterday Gorou as Ruby's father figure while evidently Ai had a function as a mother figure to her (to Sarina actually) - or to be more precise the loss of both as surrogate parential figures associated as dear to her heart people triggered Sarina's trauma of an abandoned child through Ruby again. This in short is the nature of her repetitive traumatic cycle. Sarina-Ruby is acting a smile in both lifes while nobody seems to notice the ugly feelings deep inside her. Even when she had a reverse act coming out at the audition, Frill and Akane wouldn't conceive that these feelings weren't part of her auditional act but actually the naked truth.
However the point of this essay is not to talk about Ruby - although she will certainly be useful - but this time to explore to which extent the predisposition from the past life and the traumatic repetitive cycles are as principles applicable to Aqua in order to gain access into the very dephts of his soul. This will allow us to methodically understand the true nature behind his lately menacing character plot. I swear it's the first time you hear these takes.
In the long run this essay will also substantiate my analysis of Ruby, because if this is applicable to Aqua too then it's fair to say that we uncovered a symmetrical primary structure the Author intended to construct for these twins. (Mirror) Symmetrrial relations are indeed indicated between them on a lot of levels, some essays on this sub discuss that exhaustively.
*
So, we established Sarina's traumatic identity to be a predispositional factor for Ruby, vice versa we now have to establish the same for Aqua. It'd be misleading to ignore Gorou's core identity if we want to grasp Aqua's actions - or perhaps even his acting? Aqua too is stuck in a repetitive cycle triggered from his past life's supressed trauma. We will in this essay explore the depths of it like never done before. Eventually we gain a completely different understanding of revenge that actually haunts him more than it does Kamiki.
You kow, the other day I read an essay where the OP would refuse to call Aqua Aqua anymore and instead refers to him now as "Aquamarine" because he/she is apparently mad at his current behaviour. This to me is kinda funny but also instructive because it goes to show a fundamental misunderstanding of his character, which I believe is shared by many people. Be mad at Gorou Amamiya - if you dare - because this would actually be engaging.
However, we will see that he is like Ruby stuck in another repetitive cycle of trauma and the purpose of this essay is to raise awareness while not to excuse him blatantly but to point to the tragic and dramatic nature of his mind and soul. Because at this point it's safe to say that what we currently see is literally what we get. Aqua will not become visibly handsome any time soon. Better aknowledge and comprehend his actions now and save yourself later from phony bitterness, anger and other unreflected undermining reactions. Instead that be bitter and angry with compassion. Because if you don't appreciate his struggle you won't fully grasp the Cathasis that follows, which - under the impression that Aka is cooking some really good stuff - would be a shame. Finally I'm strongly hoping that this essay might enhance some people's future chapter reading experience.
Without further edo lets dive into it.
​
Gorou Amamiya
Gorou's core determining trauma is not that easy to grasp on and that's mainly because his cope is vague while his upfront personality apppears mature and he as an individual is also highly functional, both as Gorou and Aqua. He appears to us as a well adjusted middle aged man: He went to the Medical University in Tokyo, dated women sucessfully and eventually became a Doctor and kinda just knows how to handle stuff. He is also a walking encyclopaedia, so feel free to ask him anything!
On the contrary site: Gorou seems to be a loner, an Otaku in denial who lives quite isolated in Japan's rural backwaters. After his study years in Tokyo he moved back to his hometown. We don't know the exact reason why he voluntarily choose this kind of isolation, probably to take care of his grandmother. When he came back to the hospitel as Aqua he referred to his coworkers as "colleagues I was close to" which implies a certain distance and a lack of other related people in the town like for instance actual friends that he would want to meet. After he learned that nobody of his past colleugues work there anymore the "social question" of his past life fizzled out.
The rural working place granted him a lot of free time at the hospital, So he met his emotionally undemanding social life with escapism into Idol-Culture respectively Ai Hoshino. And surely this "quirk" is the first indication that this man doesn't just maintain an introverted but healthy Work-Life-Balance as a doctor but actually tries to cure away some void: A normal man just doesn't scream joyful in a patient's room like a fanatic over an Idol show. This beginning scene doesn't just serves as a quirky comic relief but sets a fundamental tone to his character. A little later the coworking woman in EP 1 wouldn't quite believe his copium about a shared memory with Sarina as the reason for his idolization of Ai. And since he didn't gave her a clear answer if he would or wouldn't date Ai he at the same time disclosed a personal obsession as to be part of his allegedly idealistic and pure motives. We will get back to their conversation later, as we will find out that Gorou was actually honest and righteouss about his claims.
​
I know, I know. Still haven't mentioned the elephant in the room:
His dead mother.
​
What is Guilt?
When for Ruby the reoccuring event of her traumatic cycle is parental abandonment then for Gorou it is the feeling of guilt "for being born at the expense of his mother" (C75). In other words to feel responsible for her death.
Gorou lost his mother during his birth but he eventually got adopted by his Grandmother who took the role as his mother figure. The fact that he was actually raised by family laid the foundation for a some what functional personality. In fact he for his personal development received maternal love from his grandmother, thus the trauma which he recycled over Ai's death is fundamentally different from Ruby's.
But at the same time... it isn't different at all. Here is the why:
​
What is Love?
We found out in the essay about Gorou as Ruby's father-figure that she'd eventually develope a romantic love interest for her father-figure due to the stagnation of her psychological development as part of her inherited "curse" through reincarnation with her trauma. While Ruby's body would mature and develope, likewise Ichigo as a father-surrogat is not present in her life, Sarina's soul would still be bounded to a confused relationship she development during her hospitalization. Sarina's love for Gorou was a childish inmature expression in a phase where the father is the only male person of interest in a young girl's life. But the anxiety to lose a dear father like figure again after she was abandoned by her biological father would also urge her to express a childish romantic interest for her Doctor. If he marries her he can never leave her again. A differentiation and overcoming of this developmental phase didn't happen for Ruby because the memory of Gorou would force herself in a obsessive spiral until she confused herself to desire actual romantic love from him, her father-figure. The playful jokes about marriage when Sarina becomes 16 have turned to a personal life goal of Ruby. When she found out about his death it triggered the trauma of parental abondenment and unleashed all her self-destructive feelings. A death wish that already was present during her life as Sarina and after Ai's death but had been intercepted by Miyako as a new mother and also through the hope and longing for Gorou's acceptance of her - both as Sarina and Ruby, but moreso in Ruby because this confused desire found a fleshed out embodiment in a sexually developed girl's body.
Well and Gorous obsession over the Idol Ai isn't that far off from this. Because what Gorou actually seeks from Ai is unconditional love. The kind of love that isn't just receivable by a surrogate mother but the very personal love that only a biological mother can give to her child in the very early infant stage. In Ai's eyes he would feel a kind of dangerous tease of this deeply hidden desire and while he never actually understood the reason of this longing or even that it's related to a surpressed trauma over his dead mother, he do felt mystically pulled into Ai's realm and felt a glimpse of hope for unconditional "Ai" (Ai when written in Kanji means Love) through her idolization.
But keep in mind that he is a full grown man. He already experienced a mostly sufficient mother figure in his life - the Grandmother. Of course he would never realize what the cause for his troublesome obsession over this teenage girl Ai Hoshino really is about. He eventually developes just as Ruby for Gorou a confusing sexual interest for the "unconditionally loving mother" that he projects onto Ai. Likewise Ruby developed a sexual interest for her idolized father figure Gorou.
Interestlingly enough the chat with his coworker on the roof about Ai fully displayed his confusion. In this scene she was a bit like a therapist, while he would reveal his trauma to her. The irony of course is that neither he nor her realize it: On the one hand he indeed seeks pure and idealistic form of "Ai", unconditional love of a mother for her childt. At the same time it's distorted by his sexual maturity which would try to find fullfillment through romantic and sexual "ressources".
The romantic fantasy is an impuls of the conflicted adult body that carries an infant's hidden wish. An unfulfilled infant lives deep inside of Gorous heart as a surpressed trauma over his mother's death who couldn't give him the most exclusive form of maternal love.
*
The Selfish Love
We found the inverted similarity between Ruby's attachment to Gorou and Aqua's attachment to Ai. But it's worth to point out that in relation to Ai - and what I mean by that the quality of the relation Aqua -> Ai vs. Ruby -> Ai - there is a crucial difference in the form of love they want from her and it is mainly rooted in the different developmental phases they both are "stuck" in terms of the form of desired maternity.
Ruby's longing for a mother is transferable. Since she probably received the kind of unconditional love of an infant herself but was only abandoned at a later age when she became sick, Sarina could compensate it with Ai's love and even Miyako's after Ai's death. Ruby was kinda temporarly stabilized since she believed in meeting her idolized father again. It's not like Ai's death hasn't affected her but she is in her longing for maternal love actually more mature than Gorou. I will explain later how. Ai is for Ruby from this point of view "interchangable" just like Marina. But it is a yet to observe in the coming chapters how and when Sarina will "release herself and her mother from the expectation that a mother should love her child" (C119) but to me it seems like Sarina has a solid foundation to overcome this issue through her movie role of Ai.
But what about the kind of love Gorou craves for? Well for once we know that he doesn't seek something transferable because in fact a transfer that could cover the kind of maternal Love Ruby seeks he already received from his Grandmother. He wants the pure, innocent and idealistic love of a mother for his infant, for him it can only be re-created and satisfied in the impossible yet odd realm of supernaturality, A reincarnation as an actual infant with intact memories of his past life in the hands of an actual loving mother. This is the only but also the absolute solution to meet the innocent and pure minded wish of the traumatized infant crying in Gorous heart.
​

"When I woke up, I was in heaven [....] for now, I just want to live this baby life to it's fullest"(Chapter 1)

​
A normal well adjusted adult would perceive this situation as a nightmare. Being a baby stands in the heaviest contrast to the inherited soul of an adult. "I am a f'cking grown man, goddamit. Why am I a baby? I'm right now the most vulnerable, dependend and defenseless being, this situation absolutely opposes my proven and experienced self identity as a grown up" This is what a normal adult would think and he would hate this unintelligible situation he found himself randomly in. It's basically a curse. Also he would want to go back to his family, friends etc. Gorou on the other hand is a loner and suffers a tragic supressed trauma. So now we beginn to see how all the hings come together. Such a joyful and innocent scene as presented in the Manga has a dark meaning behind it.
To embrace the role of a cute liltte baby with the same joy and happiness it implies an actual desire to do so. To assert that this is yet another casual comic relief scene just to start his interesting journey as a MC misses the point. The plot started when he fanatically cheered up his Idol over the TV of a patients room.
Likewise here and there his personal desire in Ai and "Ai" would blend out the surounding world. Aqua ignores the premise of his reincarnation that he was murdered by Ai's stalker, because he wants to stimulate his deeply supressed desire. Gorou ignores the patient's needed rest when Ai is on TV, because he wants to stimulate the same desire. In relation to Ai Gorou is selfish right from the start. It's a very inmature selfish love towards her as an Idol and a mother, in fact this form of love is the most inmature and selfish love imaginable because it's born from the tragically denied desire of the most vulnerable and inmature human form: The Infant. In fact, that he as a doctor couldn't supresse his selfish will to disturb a resting patient was a pivotal moment to prelude the great lengths this desire would go to experience stimulation. His behaviour as Ai's baby is a derivation and the purest and most innocent enbodiment. Because this time it's materialized in the body of an actual infant. Gorou has become the human flesh of the traumatically supressed infant's desire living in his heart.
Gorou at this point is absolutely unwilling to give up the situation he found himself in. The infant has completely taken over the adult's mind. At one point he would even thank the culprit and ompletely misjudge the actual situation they are in. This - for such a reasonable and smart but apparently selfless man like Gorou - is astonishing to say the least. In relation of it's meaning in terms of trauma and hidden desire it's comprehensible.
The infant's longing is the most fragile form of love imaginable. If it misses it's chance it's all over again. It only came into life through an absolutely impossible miracle. This selfish little desire, for a long time well hidden as a surpressed trauma, feed by escapism in Idol-Culture, will do anything to blockade interferring reason. The reasonable adult Gorou is completely cut off.
The adult Gorou who's identity as an dedicated professional who is willing to go to great lengths to support his patients while rolling back his personal gain. The adult Gorou that for once let his selfish wish take advantage. This adult Gorou will end with the corpse of his mother in his hands.
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The Reenactment of a Tragedy
"Unconditional love" - it should be pure and innocent yet it becomes the very reason for his self-destroying malicous decades long torture and agony.
With the death of Ai Aqua for the first time conscioussly witnesses what until then was just a deeply hidden ugly non-verbalized traumatic experience. Before Ai's death Gorou never realized the existence of it, let alone the depths of it nor how it affects his personality structure.
But now while he is the accomplice witness of an unfolding nightmare - with the heart of an infant and the brain of an adult - the surpressed trauma actually has a real reenactment...
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"I could never forget... The rusted metal-like smell of her blood penetrating my nostrils. Nor could I forget how the warmth slowly left her hand" (C51)

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This is probably the most impactful moment of self-realization in the Manga in terms of Gorou's psyche. Yes, Gorou's. These words reflect the core traumatic experience of Gorou's birth that was reenacted by Ai's death. This is not about Aqua and his roleplay as the Son of Ai Hoshino and it's certainly not the trauma of a fan who lost his favorite Idol.
These are the words of a newborn that could never forget the rusted metal-like smell of his mother's blood penetrating his nostrils. Nor could he forget how the warmth slowly left her hand. Can you imagine what he's actually describing her? How his mother was slowly bleeding out and dies while she was holding her newborn in her arms?
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Postpartum bleeding or postpartum hemorrhage is often defined as the loss of more than 500 ml or 1,000 ml of blood following childbirth.
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They were alone, Gorou was exposed to his dying mother until her last gasp. This shocking tragic accident describes the first moments of his early life as a horrifying Dispair.
And we can immediately see, that Ai's death scene was personally ment for Gorou. It's not a coincidence that Ruby would by shielded behind the milky glassed door while Aqua would be exposed to the fullest with all his senses. It's because the repetitive cycle of his personal trauma was ment to unfold exclusively to him. In the closed door that shields Ruby also symbolizes the earlier expressed maturity of Ruby's seek for maternal love. This little physical gap and the muffled visual and audible senses are a quintessential symbolization of the difference in the form of love Ruby and Aqua seek and quintessential to the importance of the circumstances of her death to each of them.
Likewise Ruby's discovery of Gorou's corpse as a triggering event of her personal trauma through the guidance of the crow was exclusively ment for her to experience. Aqua was "excluded" in the sense that he wouldn't recognize how important that corpse is to Ruby because then it would be immanent that they know each other, which at that point is not in the god's interest.
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Now you might ask yourself: Okay, but why wasn't his desire fullfilled after some time, for example after he passed by the biological infant state? Why would he crave for this kind of love for years until her death? After some time he should have come to his senses and tell her about the danger, right? And why would he still follow her idol performances as a dedicated fan when we established that the idolization was only a surrogat expression of Gorou Amamiyas surpressed desire?
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The Reenactment of True Love
Gorou and Ai share a common goal. Ai wants to unconditionally love somebody and Gorou wants unconditionally to be loved. The reincarnation of Gorou as Ai's son sets the framework for a realization of both wishes.
The unconditonality of Ai's devotion that Gorou seeks from her as a mother isn't fullfilled. He early on realized through the performances he would witness as Aqua on TV that she looks at the camera and her fans with the same eyes and smile as she does at her kids. The purely physical devotion of a mother that takes care of her children like bathing them appears to him as an mechanized act, her mere obligation as a legal guardian. it's like "shaking hands" with a Fan after the idol concert. "Lies are an exceptional form of Love" she said to Gorou on the roof top (btw why is everyone opening up on that roof top, is it really like a therapist session whenever somebody enters it :)) thus he suspect she's acting towards her children the same way like towards her fans. Sure, a normal child wouldn't be that suspicious but Aqua is still a grown man and fully grasps the artificiality of his role as particular Ai's son. Eventually after all those years Aqua would still crave for an actual true expression of unconditional love that is exclusive to him. And Ai still was trying to love somebody but was yet too scared to express it to her children.
Now we can see why he would persist on his role as her son and supersede the danger of the culprit who killed him. For years he would ignore it because for years he was still crave for his desired love.
Just the fact of being supernaturally pushed to be her son wasn't fullfilling the desire of the infant at all, since deception and a lie is the core of this relationship. He would naturally jump back to old habits and absorb more love from the Idol Ai Hoshino over TV. But when Miyako took the twins to her concert and their cute dance triggered Ai's most sincere maternal smile it was actually a great moment of hope for Aqua.
This whole thing with the smile was pretty instructive. Because as you recall Ai was during ego-surfing reading the opinion of a fan who said her smile and expression wouldn't be convincing at all. Well I can't prove that this anonymous poster was Aqua himself but for the point I want to make lets just assume that it exactly articulates the impression Aqua shares with the poster. They both think that she lacks convincing emotionality "on stage" - a mysterious expression because for Aqua who is roleplaying this mother-son-relation it's also as observing her "on stage" at home. And his expectation as a child towards a mother is as obsessive as the expectation of a fan towards his favorite idol.
Unfortunately he gets "betrayed" (or maybe not, I will elabore later) because a little after Ai found this new and wonderful smile she would mechanize the same expression on stage for her fans, thus it lost the unconditional intimate character which should be exclusive between a mother and her child. Ai is the best and most ruthless liar of all time.
At the same time - lets entertain that he in fact was the anonymous poster - Aqua still has a lot of selflessness at his core personality, especially as he grows up, more of the upfront "Gorou" comes out again. It's not odd to assume that he really wanted to help Ai in her development as an famous Idol. I actually like this idea a lot and it's coherent with the type of Guy Gorou/Aqua outside of his very personal desire is: A carrying fine guy who genuinely wants the best for the people he feels close to.
Chronologically it also makes sense. She was holding Aqua on her lap and was complaining about the little money she makes. She was frustated and felt stuck. She said she wants to provide for her family. Then she went to her dance lessons and there she would sit down with her phone and read that message about her smile. Aqua could have predicted that she would ego-surf and therefore posted that tweet. Later on the concert Aqua and Ruby would reveal the "star power" that can influence others. A mirroring "star power" influence Aqua would perform on Kana's first idol concert when she exactly like Ai had trouble to express the sincere smile and joy.
On top of that the apparent "push" of Aqua has a certain providing husband-like character to it. Ai says she wants to provide for the family. In the end it's Aqua's interferrence that supported her wish. In this moment he acted the identity of Gorou the doctor when he was looking out for her best interests as a pregnant woman, a bit like a loving and carrying husband.
In a a future contrasting juxtaposition fine moments like this will help Aqua to realize that the amount of guilt he feels for her death is exaggerated and unfair since he genuinly was also looking after her even as her child. And of course we all remember his influence on Gotanda after she was cut out of his movie.
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Gorou's core determining trauma is not that easy to grasp and that's because it's coded as emotional raw data into his subconsciousness. There is another very important trauma at the core which prevents him from realizing the importance of that love that was finally granted to him in Ai's last moments. He didn't realize that this was an sincere reenactment of true love his dying mother gave him after his birth. This frame in the anime gives it basically away: Her hair like the hair after an extremely painful deadly birth. She is all sweaty, exhausted and anemic but also the truely happiest woman she ever was. It's like saying: There is no point of feeling guilty, I'm so glad I gave birth to you, my son. I love you...
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And is there even any base for guilt at all? The chapter "What is Guilt" in this essay turned out to be the shortest one. It's maybe also the grand tragicirony of Aka's story. "Guilt" and revenge for it's sake occupy Aqua's entire purpose in life, yet it has the most fragile irrational foundation, born from trauma and self-misunderstanding. One final thought: It's also not forgiveness. The kind of love that Gorous mother expressed for him after her birth wasn't forgiveness as it implies guilt. No, she is simply happy and unconditonally loved her son. He is not guilty.
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The next chapter in PART II will be called "The Reeactment of Violence" and in this we will find hidden links between Gorou's trauma with a father-figures in his life, the missing father who impregnated his mother but wouldn't provide for him, how this is reflected on Kamiki but also expressed in Aqua's husband-like behaviour towards Ai, but also his poisoned relationship to his Grandfather and how all of this comes together on the scenery of Ai's murder. And much more....